Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
