Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
