so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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