In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
