K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
