Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
