Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
