I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
