I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
