So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
