Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
