wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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