Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think my moral compass just broke
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