Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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