Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
