What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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