Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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