So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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