In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
