I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
