I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
