Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
