I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
