ya dads aren't the best wingmen
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
