mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
