my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I AM VODKA MAN
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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