I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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