Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
