Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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