Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
