I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am spending my child support on dildos
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
