You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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