I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
