I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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