Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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