I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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