Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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