I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
...so i touched it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
