here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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