He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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