The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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