His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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