I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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