if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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