It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
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PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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