Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
