my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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