he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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