my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
operation harelip BJ is a go
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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