just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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