I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
