you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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