My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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