your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
